Surprise! I've Grown!

Sometimes we don't recognize how far we've come until something challenging hits us in the head.  That's how I realized, yesterday evening, that when it comes to my temper...I've come a long way, baby.

I used to joke that I had the quick temper of my Irish heritage, but lacked the hair color to warn people from afar.  On the plus side, I never held a grudge, and while the temper was quick to flare, it didn't smolder - usually it was fast and furious (mostly involving foul language) and then I was fine.  Nowadays, what with living the life of a dedicated yoga practitioner, I rarely lose my temper or swear.

Yesterday was, for reasons I cannot explain, a somewhat trying day.  I cleaned and cleaned but felt that I didn't make any headway.  We had to go to Whole Foods, which is sometimes a very grating experience.  The seasons are changing, which makes me feel ungrounded and generally discombobulated.  I was just "out of sorts", and couldn't really say why.  Anyway, I was in the middle of making the buddy's dinner (we feed him mostly raw, with a scoop of high-quality kibble so that his digestion can handle it in case of emergency) when, KAPOW!  An opportunity to combust presented itself and was, interestingly, non-flammable.

The kitchen counter had some big pans on it waiting to be washed, so room was scarce.  I'd managed to make a spot for the cutting board, where his chopped meat was waiting to go in his dish.  I placed his bowl with the kibble and a scoop of cottage cheese toward the edge of the counter, thinking that it was okay.  Apparently I'd placed it more precariously than I thought.  I turned to the sink to rinse the empty cottage cheese countainer and his bowl of kibble and cottage cheese fell to the floor with a crash.  Of course, he was right there to catch as much of it as possible.  Kibble slid all over the place (I can't wait till the construction guys move the stove and fridge!), a big ol' pile of cottage cheese just barely missed my foot, and there I stood, hands wet, trying to prevent a hungry Lab from helping me clean it all up (it's two meal's worth of food, and if he'd eaten it all at once we'd likely have seen half of it at about 2 this morning).  Thankfully, he focused on the cheese-covered spoon, so I scooped up the kibble and cheese with my drippy hands and put it back in his dish (along with a great deal of hair and other kitchen floor debris - uugh).

Such an unfortunate experience would have had me cursing up a storm a few years ago (the term "mouth like a sailor" was, from time to time, an accurate description of my rather colorful vocabulary).  Flushing with the indignity of it all, and taking myself way too seriously, I would have slammed the bowl around - just to show it who's boss - and made a big fuss.  I have to admit that I haven't had an opportunity to respond in such a way in a long time, and my reaction surprised even me:  I felt frustrated but calm, and I only thought one bad word...it didn't even escape my mouth!  I just assessed the situation, thought it was pretty ridiculous and predictable, considering the state of the counter-top, and started cleaning up.  Huh.  I guess sometimes you just don't know how far you've come until you get an opportunity to respond in an old way, and spontaneously respond with something new!

In yoga, we call those old ways samskaras, and much of our work is geared at rising above and beyond them.  It is the movement away from habitual thoughts, emotions and actions that helps us find freedom.  You can imagine a samskara as a rut - some are big, and some are small - into which you often fall, causing a predictable and habitual response.  We want to make that rut less deep, while decreasing the likelihood of falling into it (which is also a habit).  Years can go by without interaction with a certain samskara, and then suddenly something brings you perilously close to falling back in.  How you choose to respond - in the old way or in a new, conscientious way, is what determines whether that samskara will continue to shrink, or re-open.  In my case, the samskara of a quick temper is very deep, and has had only a few years of closing up, which makes it pretty easy to slip back into.  I am very thankful for the opportunity and lesson that I had yesterday - to choose to avoid falling back in to a behavior/response that does not suit me, or the person I want to be.  Learning to respond consciously, rather than habitually, takes a lot of awareness and a lot of work.  Through the process of Purna Yoga, which addresses the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs of a person, I have found that growing out of samskaras, while labor-intensive, is a very worthwhile endeavor.

Comments

[Jen]

I found this personal anecdote very encouraging. How long have you been practicing yoga? I've always wanted to get into it - any suggestions for a beginner looking to incorporate the mental/spiritual aspects and not just doing poses?

[Kelly]

Hi Jen! I attended my first class 14 years ago, as a teenager. Then I studied books, videos, and attended classes whenever possible. Yoga was as widespread in the 90's, and I was a college student, so mostly I explored on my own. I got serious in 2001, and now I'm a Certified Purna Yoga instructor (which means that I have over 2,000 hours of training).

There are some styles of yoga that lend themselves more to the big picture Yoga, as opposed to the pseudo-aerobics contortionism one sometimes finds. The trick, in my observation, is finding a teacher who really understands the anatomy and physiology - so that they can help you stay safe in whatever amount of physicality is involved. Check out my posting from Jan 7 on choosing a teacher. Of course, I highly recommend finding a Purna Yoga teacher, because we address the mental/emotional/spiritual and physical aspects of the practice. Good luck with your search! If you want further insight, you can e-mail me at: seattleyoginiATcomcastDOTnet